Me vs. All the Liars and Cheaters in the World, Including You!
                             Ch. XXIII

  Personal ads. Better than the funnies, sometimes. Sadder than the news
pages others. Sometimes, as angering as the editorials. Never a dull moment
though. Perusing "Contemporary Singles Life Magazine" (free, published
monthly, and available at every 7-11), I find a veritable cornucopia...

"Pretty SWF, I'm Michelle, 23, slightly o'wght. Seeking hard working,
 sensitive, affectionate SM, 25-35, who shares my life ambition, which is
 finding someone to love and be loved by, forever, marrying then raising a
 healthy, happy family together."

One step at a time please. What did you say your last name was?
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"I'm Angela, 25. Seeking SM, independently wealthy, or w/job that pays 
 well and requires drive to make good."

Needs work. Too obvious. Instead of a personal ad, you should have bought
lottery tickets.
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"Very unique, 29, 5'7", 130lbs., enjoy sports, theater, blah, blah, blah.
 Seeking generous, outgoing, sincere, worldly doctor or executive 33-40,
 who wants everything out of life."

Everything, that is, except a marriage based on anything more than a wallet
full of Gold Visa cards. Sorry, but I think "unique" is the wrong word. Back
home in suburbia central, 50% of the personals were like this, only most
wanted a doctor or a LAWYER. At least you have some standards.
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"Psychic, intuitive, sensitive, attractive brunette, 5'4", I'm Windsong, WF,
 40. Seeking SM, 6'1"+ who'll like a quiet, independent, gentle, serious
 minded lady."

Serious minded psychic, named "Windsong". I'll pass. Crystals give me the
willies, for some reason.
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"Will try just about anything once,I'm Marsha, 48, 5'2", 107lbs, blah blah"

Watch your step. Others will also try ANYTHING once.
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"I'm Penny, soft butch, SGF, 18, dancer, energetic, social, fun loving.
 Seeking long term relationship w/thin, attractive, semi-femenine F, 18-25,
 monogamy a must, no bi's."

Damn. GF's don't mess around. Too bad all the rest of us can't communicate
this succinctly. 
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"I'm Mary Ann, SWCF, 41, disabled. Seeking gentleman friend."

Someone I can honestly wish heartfelt good luck to. Not many regular folks
in the personals. May she find someone better than me...
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"Enjoy an independent female? Seeking my soul mate! I'm Linda, DWF, 44,
 5'6", 130lbs., lite smoke/drink. Am independent businesswoman. Enjoy
 fishing, C/W music. Seeking employed, secure WM w/sense of humor."

Hey! Sounds pretty good! If not for the fishing, country/western music, 
secure, and employed part, I'd qualify. Does a morbid sense of humor count?


 I think I'll read the article on shoe fetishes now. See if they talk about
combat boots in a non-S&M way.