Ä Area: 6 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
  Msg#: 3                                            Date: 19 Mar 94  02:40:00
  From: Dun Malg                                     
    To: All                                          
  Subj: MvAtLaCitW,IY!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
     Me vs. All the Liars and Cheaters in the World, Including YOU!
                         Ch. X - Random Stupidity

  The source of UFO propulsion has been discovered. When you drop a piece of
toast, it always lands butter-side down. When you drop a cat, it always
lands on its feet. Experts theorize that aliens attach buttered bread to the
backs of cats, and the resulting paradox results in the local negation of
gravity. The sound UFOs make is thought to be the noise made by the thousands 
of purring cats in the propulsion system. Research continues on this and
related projects, including the feasability of constructing a scale model of
an Allosaurus entirely of beer cans.

  Did you know that if you took a man's small intestine, and laid it out 
along a straight line, he would die?

  There are many strange things lurking in the back of my mind...
...most of them are dressed funny and have far too many fingers...

  How do we KNOW that CIA stands for "Central Intelligence Agency"? It could
ACTUALLY stand for "Chinese Invention Authority" or worse, "Curator of the
Imperial Archives"! What THEN huh?

  If you're ever really bored- and I mean REALLY bored!- and beer and 
whiskey are just too boring, and illegal drugs are too, well, ILLEGAL, try
this one. Drink an eight ounce family size bottle of Robitussen AC, and have
a comfy sofa, or at least a carpeted floor nearby, because for the next four
to six hours you're gonna feel mighty WEIRD. 
  As my bored friend said: "Robo..the nectar of the Gogs!"  Just what a Gog
is, he did not say.

  The Messiah is welcome, unless he brings shrimp cocktail, in which case he
will be shunned and burned in effigy.

  If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it
probably needs another hour in the oven before serving.

  I really need to get an answering machine to record all the calls I don't
get from friends I don't have.

  True democracy sucks. If we lived by majority rule, every meal would be
pizza, all pants would be stone washed denim, book stores would only carry
romance novels, and (since women are over 50% of the population) we'd all
be married to Mel Gibson.

  Satellites. They're up there, hanging around in space, with nothing to
hold them up. It's against nature. There's something evil behind it all,
mark my words.

  If they came up with anti-paranoia pills, I'd be afraid to take 'em. How
do I know what they put in 'em?

  I'm somewhat wary of optometrists. They get you alone in this little room,
in the dark...they put you in a special chair and fit this gadget over your
head, and then they start flashing things on the wall that you can't quite
read...

  Automobile dashboards! Did you ever wonder why they quit labeling all the
controls in English, and started using those little pictures nobody can
figure out? To make it simpler? Hardly! But when everyone on earth has died
from ALIEN DISEASES, those dashboards will be just right for those FIENDS
FROM ALTAIR, who'll land land in their UFOs and LOOT OUR CITIES...

  Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that people *aren't* out to get
you!
  In 1949, James Forrestal, the first Secretary of Defense of the United
States, was diagnosed as paranoid and confined to an upper floor of the
Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington DC. The reason? He believed that
he was being followed by Israeli secret agents. So strong was the 
Secretary's belief in this surveilance, and so deep depression over his
confinement, that he committed suicide by jumping from a window. After 
his death, it turned out that Israeli agents *had* been following Forrestal,
trying to learn whether the U.S. was making secret deals with Arab nations.

  Wearing aluminum foil in your hat to protect yourself from the mind-control
lasers is pretty darned silly. Everyone knows you need something more
conductive, like beaten gold. The best thing is special titanium-berylium 
alloy helmet. Sheesh!

  If any of this ever gets back to me, be forewarned that I'll deny 
everything. This meeting never happened.

... Better buy my book, you MADE me write it!
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12