Me vs. All the Liars and Cheaters in the World, Including YOU! Ch. IX - Shit Fuck Damn Assholes Are Stupid or What I Thought About While Watching TV Early Sunday Morning It's 5:30am, I've been up all night, and 2 Stupid Dogs isn't on for two more hours. I've called all the boards, I've read every book I own, and I'm too broke to buy the sunday paper. Fortunately, there's ALWAYS television. Coffee companies are still trying to convince us that Columbian coffee is the best you can find. Actually, it's probably the worst. It's the most acidic, flattest flavored, and worst smelling in the world. Turkish, Hawaiian, and even Ukrainian coffee are better. Colombian is just the cheapest. People oughta wake up and smell the coffee, so to speak. What is guar gum, and why is it in my hot sauce? A pig-nosed looking lady on a religious pseudo-news program says we're all just two paychecks away from being homeless. I've worked a grand total 27 days since I got here Jan. 6. That's equivalent to losing 6 of 11 regular full time paychecks. Shouldn't I be homeless by now? I'm ready. My clothes already look shabby and I drink cheap malt liquor. Dial 118 and CENTEL/Sprint will tell you the time and temperature. The time is right, but TV says it's 5 degrees warmer. Dammit! Who should I believe? Lady on this cooking show is making crab cakes and babbling about how wonderfully succulent crab and lobster meat are. Crabs and lobsters are just giant bugs that literally eat shit from the sea floor. I ain't eatin' that. Dial 385-4444 for TOUCH FOUR(R), Centel's FREE information line. They have business and finance news, soap opera summaries, horoscopes, national weather, ski and sport reports; and it's there 24 hrs a day for FREE. Who pays for all this "FREE" shit? I'll give you 3 guesses and the first two don't count. Public service announcement saying that children are, on average, 12 years old when they first experiment with alcohol. I wish they'd qualify their statements. I mean, my parents used to give me small quantities of beer when I was younger than 2. I didn't actually drink to intoxication till I joined the Army. Am I an exception? Xenon gas is twice as heavy as iron. My periodic table says so. BASF is running commercials saying that, while they don't actually produce any actual products, they make other's products better. Tell me, for whom are these ads intended to be an influence? And what kind of influence? Talk about corporate waste... Where the HELL did I put the remote. There it is. Why the HELL did I put it in my shoe? A friend of mine, in reaction to intense controversy over the harshness of sentencing of minorities vs. whites, said it would be better if only criminals turned purple as soon as they broke a law. I pointed out that if that happened we could toss the judicial system and just jail purple people. I'm sure the CIA has something they could put in the water that would do the trick. "Ice Draft" beer is easier to market than "Dry" beer. When you want a cold beer on a hot day, is your first instinct to grab something labeled "Dry"? First the President uses the cancellation of a military training exercise as appeasement to North Korea. Now he's "threatening" to reinstate the exercise to show NK we mean business. We've been conducting exercises there since the fifties. I don't think the North Koreans are overawed by a bunch of troops hooting blanks at each other. Economic sanctions by the UN? They don't export to anyone except China, and China ignores the UN. Why can't I get channel 10? Screwit. It's only PBS. They're putting a Nike running shoe in a time capsule in Colorado. The news fucker with the plastic hair said "I wouldn't want to be there when they open that". Somebody tell these these guys they're not fuckin' funny. This dull medical show host says most compulsive shoppers are women, and their problem starts at ~17 years old. The average age of "realization" of the problem is ~30. The suggested treatment is either Anafrinil or Prozac. I say take their fuckin' credit cards away. I wish I had cigarettes, so I could start smoking again. Bill and Hillary have done a parody of the "Harry and Louise" commercials as a rebuttal to insurance industry criticism. Somehow, when they participate in silly things like this, they look like a couple high school students who won the "President for a day" drawing. Even Jimmy Carter knew that being a US President is a serious job, not to be treated like the presidency of the Little Rock Elks Club. All right! It's FINALLY 7:30! 2 Stupid Dogs is on! You know it's getting bad when they're using techno/house music in a commercial for a Barbara Walters interview show. You only used to hear techno/house at underground clubs where ten guys broke into an empty warehouse in the bad part of town and set up stolen stereo equipment and charged you ten bucks to come in where you would take three or four illegal chemicals and dance in front of a 2000 watt speaker from 11pm to 6am. What's this world coming to? Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Romania, and Russia in NATO? What the fuck! I mean don't these bureaucrats realize that the entire purpose of NATO was to form a defense against possible invasion by the Warsaw Pact, which was made up primarily of Poland, Czechosolvakia, Hungary, Romania, East Germany, and the USSR. What's it for now? To organize square dances? I say disassemble NATO like they did the Berlin Wall. Aha! It must be an aluminum-gingerbread alloy! Some ass just said that white couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt black children because it's destructive to black culture, since culture is acquired rather than inborn. Is this guy for real? No one worrys that I'm losing MY culture because I don't have any lederhosen and I never learned the words to "Deutschland Uber Alles". That's because I consider myself to be an American. Apparently this self-appointed member of "black leadership" thinks blacks shouldn't consider themselves Americans. Get a clue. If we don't hang together, then surely we shall hang separately. Did "Robocop" really need to be turned into a TV series? Great. I can watch basketball, Captain Planet, or some homes showcase program. I need to get cable. Why am I still up? 2 Stupid Dogs was over two hours ago.